POLITICAL JOKES IN THE PHILIPPINES

 

Less than a month after the submission of the Certificates of Candidacies by political wannabes, politics is turning out to be the most interesting topic anywhere in the country today. Almost everybody will always find somebody who has a different opinion on this issue than you or anyone else. To add glitter to the election campaign, many seemed to be pleasantly surprised and amused at how funny jokes about politicians can be. More often though witty jokes about politicians show a great contrast to their monotonous speeches. Most of us believed that the more successful and popular politicians had become, the more funny jokes that they invite. Thus, for a potential political leader, being the butt of a political joke is a cross between a symbol of honor and ritual of acceptance in the political jungle. But there is one thing about politicians to which everybody might agree: sometimes they can be really quaint and hilarious!

Most of the jokes below are inspired by true stories.  Guess Who? Your guess is as good as mine…..

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BRA and BRIEF 

 A short and loquacious local city councilor likes to be known in the community as a great lover and womanizer. Separated from his wife the reason of which we can only surmise, he hires government lady casual employees for his staff who accede to be his sexual favors. One day, he just finished his latest “conquest” of a pretty new casual employee in a secluded motel and see what happens;

Casual lady employee:  (Teasingly rubbing the neck of the city official) : Sir, I need new bras. I have only one which I am using now. It is already old and torn.
City Councilor:  You don’t need to use bra anymore. Anyway your boobs are very small.
Casual  lady employee :  Abah? Eh, Sir? Why do you use briefs pa when “yours” is very small also….
                                             ( Eh Sir, ngaa  ikaw ga-usar ka pa sang brief, kagamay man gani sang imo?)
                                                  WAAH!  Aray…

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THE SNAKE AND THE WORM

A popular local politician whose first marriage was annulled for several years finally decided to take a new bride, a local socialite.  After the wedding, the couple went to Boracay for their honeymoon and:

NEW BRIDE: Kinakabahan ako. Baka di ko makaya.. Parang natatakot ako!

POLITICIAN:  Kaya mo ito. Diba sabi mo dati may alaga kang malaking ahas?
NEW BRIDE: Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!!
POLITICIAN : WAAH!

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FOR BOTH OF US

The wife of a politician saw an amorous text message to her husband’s cell phone from a man known to her.  One late night the angry wife confronted the politician about his relationship with the man…

 WIFE:   Walang hiya Ka! Bading ka Pala !  Bakla!!!! Diyan ka na nga…..

POLITICIAN:  “Honey, saan ka pupunta?
WIFE:   Maghahanap ako ng tunay na lalake!
POLITICIAN :  Okay yan…Hanap ka ng dalawa hah? Tig-isa tayoh!   Pataay !

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PROBLEM IN MATH

A newly elected high government official was trying to do soe Math calculation and got confused with the result  so shecalled her new sexy secretary and asked :

GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL : If I give you 15% of 3 Million pesos, how much would you take off?

SEXY SECRETARY: Everything Sir! Dress, Pants, Bra, Panty!! Basta everything….
GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL :  HAAH? SUS AH !

 

 
ERAP JOKES  ( Jokes taken from “Erap tion”)

JUDGE: Ano ba talaga nangyari?

 ERAP: . (di nagsasalita) Silent
 JUDGE: Sumagot ka sa tanong.
 ERAP: Naman eh!!! Kala ko ba hearing lang to??? Bakit may speaking?
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ERAP ON ISLAM COUNTRIES

 Reporter: Hon. Pres. Joseph Estrada, What do you think about these countries?

ERAP: What countries?
Reporter: Iran, Iraq and Egypt
ERAP: Oh, Iran is the past tense of I am running, Iraq is the only kind of things you find in the Japanese rock garden. Egypt naman is the pambansang vehicle of the Philippines, which waits for passengers anywhere in the streets! Ngee!
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ERAP IN A MUSEUM

ERAP visited a famous museum and unfortunately he broke a vase. The Museum Attendant became so terrified and said: 

MUSEUM ATTENDANT: Naku sir, more than 500 years old na po yang vase na nabasag ninyo.

ERAP:  Haay salamat. Akala ko bago!  Hik! Hik! Hik!
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PHILIPPINE PRESIDENTS TOGETHER ON A PLANE

  GMA: what if I throw a check for a million pesos out the window to make at least 1 Filipino happy?

CORY: but my dear, why don’t you throw 2 checks for half a million each and thus make 2 Filipinos happy?
 RAMOS: why not throw four checks for a quarter of a million each and make four Filipinos happy?
 And on it went until finally, Estrada  blurts out:
ERAP: “Madam President, why not simply throw yourself out of the window and make all the Filipinos happy?”
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 BREAKFAST in the USA

 A Filipino town councilor was with a group of politicians on a study tour in a sister US city.  One morning he went to a Diner in the city and ordered breakfast.

Pinoy Councilor:  I want a cup of coffee …

American Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, Sir, regular or decaf?
Pinoy Councilor : No, Big kap!! Big kap!
American Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast, Sir?
Pinoy Councilor: Ham en eggs.
American Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, Sir?
Pinoy Councilor:  Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
American Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy Councilor: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
American Waiter: (now very impatient) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy Councilor: (now very uneasy) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Beg yur pardon?
American Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? Whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano
American Waiter: We don't have that, Sir.
Pinoy Councilor: Okey, gib me taysti.
American Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy Councilor: Do you hab pan de lemon or pan de sal?
American Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy Councilor: Donut plis....
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Please follow continuing parts of Political Jokes in the Philippines..

I am wishing for all Politicians to have a joyful and fruitful campaign. Good luck !

Rogelio G. Balo

Central Valley, California USA
October 28, 2015